THE TAXI DRIVER (I)

It’s an early Sunday morning; the 16^th of September. I’m riding the eastcoast to London’s Kings Cross Station from Newcastle. Sadly, i have had to miss Church service today in order to proceed with my journey. I assume that someone reading this would ask “why wasn’t a later ticket booked?” and if this question is not rhetoric, it is due to the singular reason that I detest late travel. Travelling early gives me the feeling – however surreal – that if a person arrived at their destination by noon or a bit later, they still had the ‘whole’ day to carry out a number of activities before the sun put on its dark-coloured pyjamas.

Anyway, today, the taxi i booked for 9:45am to take me to the station arrived two minutes earlier than the said time. This was not even slightly inconveniencing because i pride myself in always being at the latest, 15mins early for every appointment. I exited the house to await the arrival of the taxi just as it was pulling up and i raised the forefinger of my left – signalling to the driver, that i would be set to leave and back outside in one second. Of course, it took many seconds longer. Three times, i lugged tightly-packed, zip-bursting 32” suitcases to the sidewalk; from which he hulled them into the trunk. In the next 2 minutes, I was seated in the passenger seat.

On the countless other times I had ridden in taxis, i have found myself engaged in interesting conversations with the drivers; some eager to know my nationality and eventually what Nigeria is like, some sceptical that ‘non-overseas’ trained Africans speak English fluently and with a clear accent, some unusually willing to share holiday experiences, some just downright flirty and others more inquisitive than they appear – like the driver today.

The first few minutes of the ride got me thinking and re-thinking to be certain that i had left nothing behind. Honestly, I was especially concerned that every yard farther away from home was making it more expensive and therefore more difficult to return if indeed, I had forgotten anything. Less than two minutes later, I was certain that every possession i needed was stowed into one of my suitcases. Before i could ask some tacky question, he saved the day. He asked where i was headed, how long for and all the regular questions that trailed behind those first two. I indulged him; getting him to ease up and drawing him out before i would strike.

After a few laughs, I had found a way. I asked him how much he enjoyed work and if it demanded him to be at it on Sunday mornings. Apparently, on the Sunday mornings he didn’t work, he went drinking at a bar with friends – i saw his face light up with his last statement as if silently wishing that today was one of such days. Now, at this point, the next question is one i had prior to this occasion, constantly tried to rephrase. I eventually considered my quest successful the day i settled on “Do you believe in anything?”. I must add that of all the people i have ventured into the ensuing exchange with, i found him to be the most attentive and forthcoming – I would bet my last copper coin, that if i was headed to a farther destination, we would have skipped into Church the following Sunday! Yes, I’m that thoroughly convinced. And so i went on to ask him the question to which he answered no. He expatiated further saying that he is originally catholic but he stopped believing; how and when he stopped, he couldn’t quite say but on the days he had tried to figure out why, he realised that there was little difference in his life from the days he associated himself with Christianity and the days he considered himself a pagan. I liked how carefully he chose his words; never actually claiming to have chosen Christianity and never implying devotion. There was no stopping him; he went on and on - eventually concluding with the ‘Big Bang Theory’ and how surely, I believed it too. It was in these words that I heard true belief...

... LOVE OR COMMITMENT? (2)

#3: Team Love-Is-Everything

“It’s not wrong to love a person deeply; the only wrong thing might be the person you love”

This category of people is for the hopeless believers in love; those who say that “love is everything; and it is the axis on which our lives rotate…”

I have asked myself countless times if love is really as big a deal as we think; and as naive as it may sound, it is! It is all the things that we hear it is and much more… it is “what makes the world go round and also what makes the ride worthwhile.” This is why people would grope desperately at the slightest hint that they have found it. This does not mean that I find anything even remotely wrong with being deeply in love or trusting what you feel; the issue lies with how fast such assumptions are made, too much commitment and too much hope too soon! On the other hand; those who love like this are brave and bold but brave and bold in a way that I would call temerity… because it is unwise to constantly render yourself susceptible to hurt.

They have an unblemished concept of the idea thus their perspective is somewhat surreal.

“LOVE IS NOT A BUSINESS!”

I recently met someone; someone who if there were to be leaders assigned for each group; she would probably be the leader of group 3. She has been seeing the same man for close to 5 years; off and on. To the best of my knowledge, it has been a very ‘unstable’ relationship but she’s 100% certain that what they have is love. Albeit, they bring out the best and worst in each other - they have the wildest misunderstandings, they keep ‘breaking up’ (a period during which they see other people) but somehow, they have come back together time after time. “I would do whatever it takes to be with him...” she says “People think we won’t work but I know we are in love – it has to be! Otherwise, what keeps bringing us right back?” I will let you answer this for yourselves because I know that your thoughts are at par with mine. She constantly reprimands me regarding my take on the subject and in the strictest tone, says “love is not a business!” How can a person choose who they love and on the off-chance that they can, how is it possible to stop when you feel it is not right?

My answer is simple... and it is the same every time.

#4: Team Smart-In-Love

If you are faced with any difficulty answering the question she posed to me, ask yourself these – is he offering her some sort of comfort? Does he ‘satisfy’ her for however short/long a period before they split-up just to return to each other again? Does love need a break (If eventually they settled down together, how would they handle those moments when had they been dating when they had been seeing other people)? Is the constant ‘breaking-up’ perhaps the spark (the life-line) of their relationship?

These questions have only scratched the surface in trying to justify the reason why there is a group 4.

Group 4 - the group to which I belong - has close relations with the third group; members of both groups would venture into every single relationship the same way, unafraid but for different reasons - the latter being fantastic and the former, ‘somewhat calculated’. It also agrees that the ‘b’ part of the second group is a ‘must’ - we believe in love, ‘we love it’ but we don’t FALL in it. We WALK into it; eyes wide, shoulders square, baggage free (prepared/ready) – in fact, it is a DELIBERATE MOVE. We consider love a choice like every other decision to do a thing or not to do it on any other day! We hold it in high regards so much so that when we eventually offer it, the task of deciding not to be committed anymore proves herculean in comparison to giving it in the first instance. I carefully chose the word ‘commitment’ here because this is another ideology of love that the Group 4 members have – it never ends as long as it really was there!

In order not to cause discrepancies; what differentiates us from the others are that we can make ‘smart’ choices even then which is what is ideal. We love equally as hard.

In June 2005, I met someone and chose to love him - to listen to him, be there for him, spend time with him, pray for/with him... and I made up my mind to do these things even when it may not be especially convenient. We are not in a relationship but I love him. I've loved him the same way for almost 7 years - it has not wavered. Now, I cannot 'beat my chest' and speak for everyone that fits the 'specifications' of group 4 because I am aware that whatever concerns the heart and the intangible is never cast in stone but one thing is for sure; we are right back at the beginning - we do not and cannot separate love from commitment - they are twins!

… LOVE OR COMMITMENT?

“A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.”

In my twenty-plus years, I have been privileged to meet a lot of absolutely wonderful people; absolutely wonderful and absolutely varying.

Meeting all of these people has enabled me acknowledge and create certain classes for which one can easily say, describes every last one them… including me.

Prior to hearing peoples opinion on this subject, I had nursed the certainty that there were only two ways people felt about love matters; a person either experiences the proverbial ‘blind’ feeling or they are ‘smart in love’ but no, its so much more complicated!

Anyway, based on their thoughts on ‘the issue’, I successfully categorised them into 4 distinct groups:

#1: Team NO-LOVE

The members of this group opine that “there is nothing like love but there is commitment”.

Try as I might, I find it increasingly hard to understand the logic behind this – why or how people arrive at a point where they can confidently draw such conclusions. It’s simple; those who say that there is no love have either not felt it (because they are not brave enough to let themselves) or have, but will never call that incredible feeling which love is, what it actually is.

For me, all attempts at dissociating love from commitment were/are futile - one births the other. In fact, when I think of the word commitment, another word quickly pops up; sacrifice. Why? Because to be committed to a person, you will jump huddles and crawl through tunnels for the success of that relationship. So is it possible to do this for a person you do not consider worthy – a person you cannot say you love? I doubt that. On the flipside, when you love a person, the emotion eases the gravity of the compromises one may have to make.

Before narrowing the different ideologies into four main groups, I encountered quite a number of people who were on their way to feeling this way… (feeling the same as team 1) they were of the opinion that “love may exist but it does not last, it brings people together and then it fades and so the most important thing is that the parties involved forge a stronger bond; one of understanding.” Now, there is only one problem with this group aside my obvious disagreement that love does exist; it is how people can live together solely on understanding. A million and one relationships are based on understanding; a boss and his employees, the relationship between colleagues, a master and his staff, a mistress and her maid and all these even at their best, fails outside of what they are because something is still missing. So how can a person say that all a relationship (one that is more than cordial) needs is just understanding? Is this perhaps a side to the ‘love is blind’ quote? That you may be standing right at the heart of it yet somehow you manage to miss it?

#2: Team ½ & ½

“Love is not what everyone thinks it is - indeed there is love but it is not that ‘bubbly feeling’, its wise and intelligent”

Up until today, I don’t think I have ever actually searched up the definition of the word love. I have had confidence that because it is what it is, one does not need a general idea to streamline the emotion they feel. It does not have to be what everyone has made it out to be to ascertain that it is what you feel. It has many faces and it generates a myriad of sensations; it could be that bubbly/age-old ‘butterflies-in-the-belly feeling that this group fails to ‘believe’ in, it could be a sudden surge of emotion; mostly passion towards something or a drive to do things or even do a thing better than you used to or a reason to be a different person than you were... there are different ways we feel love. The problem we make is trying desperately for ours to resemble the way other peoples’ look; when we should be more focused on sustaining the feeling that made you identify that person as special in the first place.

In some way, I see through the looking-glass this group views the subject and I am urged to understand but no...